i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
