I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
