the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
