Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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