why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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