Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
