and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
