Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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