i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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