Yo dont text me then not text me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
