Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
