I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
