Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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