I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
