you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
