last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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