Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
