Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
