I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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