Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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