I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
