i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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