he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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