I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
