I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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