Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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