Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
