just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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