my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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