it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
