i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
