She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
