You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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