I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
