I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
