Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
