I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
