I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
