Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
