Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
