I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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