Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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