My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
