My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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