Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
