I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
