cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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