Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
