would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
