When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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