There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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