I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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