1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
