i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
