I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
